IMPORTANT-tumblr monsters

This is something I wrote on my tumblr because I've seen it way too much and it really upsets me:

 

IMPORTANT

To all the anons leaving messages on people’s pages encouraging them to kill themselves, calling them fat, worthless, stupid, ugly etc. You disgust me. How dare you. Do you realize how much blood and emotional agony is on your hands? You pulled the trigger, made the cuts, provided the pills, and made the noose. And for those who have not (thankfully) succeeded in taking their life, you have scared them, and made them think they have one more reason to end it all. HOW DARE YOU. Don’t you have anything better to do than torment those who are lost, alone, hurting, suicidal, depressed, self-hating, and emotionally damaged?
You anons leaving these posts are disgusting and lack all signs of humanity.
YOU ARE MONSTERS.

Slip up

Today has been a normal day. I was sitting in my room listening to music and doodling when I realized I had a blade near me. And there was no reason why-it was just there. And I did it. It was small, but a cut's a cut. I haven't SI in over 3 months, since I started medication. I find that I'm going back to not caring about what is "good" or "bad" for me: eating, self harm. I'm just feeling rather indifferent about it.
But maybe this is just a blip? Maybe just a weird mood slip? I get scared when I feel these emotions tapping me, even if they may be normal, I'm terrified of going back to that dark place I resided in for so long. And yet at the same time, it's almost comforting in a twisted way-it's something I knew for so long.
I almost wonder if rejoining tumblr and a SI recovery support site has subconsciously triggered me and caused a setback. Regardless I'm not going to make any rash decisions to quite either right now. We'll see how it goes.

On a happier note, one of my best friends will be coming home soon and we're planning a backpacking trip! I'm so excited!

Peace
-C

Stigma of Depression

So I've been thinking a lot about the stigma, misunderstandings, and stereotypes surrounding depression and wanted to write a bit about what I've experienced with these assumptions. These stereotypes are extremely harmful and can de-legitimize, minimize, and cause doubts surrounding a person's struggle.

• "...the inability to understand how, even while struggling against depression, a person can be also be highly functioning, and even radiant, joyful, generous and loving. Most depressed people try very hard to be happy. It is exhausting work." (http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/25/mary-richardson-kennedy-the-denial-of-depression/#ixzz1x2JSTpOR) The general image of a depressed person seems to be an image of someone completely cut off from the world, who is unable to interact with others or do anything at all. I am in no way saying this is not true, but this is just one external face of depression. For instance, I fall more into the description in the quote: No one had/has any clue that I've been severely depressed. Around others I came off as very happy and completely fine. Yet inside, and when I was alone, it hurt so much. For those struggling with depression, you probably understand the difficulty in trying to describe just how bad it hurts. It's like a never-ending ache everywhere, everything hurts. You want to rip yourself apart and destroy the black cancer eating away. And the quote is right-it's EXHAUSTING to put up the front for everyone.
• Depression is not the same as sadness. Too often I hear people joke or casually mention being "depressed" and it kind of hurts. I know this isn't their intention, but it really seems to make depression seem less serious, severe, and debilitating than it is. Sadness is a human reaction. Sadness is to cope and allow yourself to feel. Depression is a mental illness that weighs on the mind, body, heart, soul that makes everything in life lackluster at most. Depression makes the simplest things difficult and reduces the good feelings of memories.
• Suicide is not always about actually wanting to die. I myself have never attempted suicide, though I had been plagued with suicidal thoughts for the past 2 years. Personally, in these thoughts, it wasn't that I actually wanted to die. I was in so much mental and emotional agony that I was a point where I would do almost anything to make it stop. I wanted to live. Desperately. But I wanted to feel alive and happy. I wanted to kill the hurt inside me so I could live, but I couldn't figure out how to do that. And sometimes, to end my life seemed like the easiest way to do that.

I know there are a lot more of these but it's late and I wanted to end with one more thought in this post!

It took me months to work up the courage to tell someone what was going on. I was feeling really really bad for the last 2 years but not one single person noticed. People would ask me if I was ok some days but that was it. And it's not their fault, I don't blame them. I had put up such a strong front of "I'm ok!" that I was careful not to let down. Though I wanted someone to notice and help me, I also didn't want anyone to know. It was a sort of test I suppose. How long could I go before people actually notice I'm not ok? However, in putting up such a strong front, there really was nothing for people to notice. I got good. Really good at hiding my pain. My insecurities took this as: If no one notices that I'm depressed, then I must not be that bad. This pain must not be as bad as it seems. I'm just being a big baby. Therefore, I was really hesitant to ask for help as my damaged emotional state tricked me into thinking that I wasn't actually depressed. But I did ask for help. And I'm so glad I did! I went to my professor and he believed that I was in pain, never doubted it. Was surprised, but supported, and continues to support me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: never let your depression cause you this doubt. Even if the doubt is there, ask for help. There is no measurement with cut-offs saying: Oh sorry, you're not hurting enough for help. You don't need a quota, an amount of time, a type of pain, or frequency. Pain is pain.

Goodness I'm sorry that was so long! Even though I don't think anyone reads this haha

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live” (Norman Cousins)

-Casey

Introduction!

So I ended up deleting the 5 posts I previously had on here because I want to start new. I want to change the purpose of this blog. As a reflection place for me, a source of support for others, and as a tool of education to help dispel stigmas and stereotypes surrounding depression.
That said...new intro!

Hello! My name is Casey and I'm from the United States. I'm 22 and a recent college graduate with absolutely no idea what I want to do in life. I love reading (like, LOVE LOVE reading), lounging in the grass at parks, making lists, riding my bike, backpacking, and traveling. I'm a huge anthropology nerd.
I'm actually unsure of how long I've been living with depression-my whole life? There was definitely something off in high school, but it wasn't really in full swing then. It was really sophomore year in college that depression became a present factor in my life. There really is no trigger for it that I am aware of. It was pretty bad, but I thought I can handle it, this will pass. It's just a blip. But it didn't pass. That fall (junior year) I studied abroad in France. While it was a wonderful experience, it was also one of the lowest points in my depression. I was self-harming and purging almost everyday and suicidal thoughts were in full force. When I returned back to my university in the spring the depression still raged on, same with the following summer. Finally senior year it was getting out of control: I had so much stress (thesis, future plans, freaking out about leaving) on top of my "regular" depression and I wasn't sleeping well, or getting much done. I was self-harming a lot and I wasn't really living anymore, just existing. Then one day I knew I needed to get help for it. It was my senior year and I didn't want to spend it like this. I wanted to be able to live. So that week I went to see one of my professors (the one that went to France with our group) and told him "I don't feel alive anymore" and he was incredible. He gave me a hug and has been incredibly supportive. I eventually was put on antidepressants which has helped me feel a lot better.

I just wanted to throw this out there: I am here for you. I want to be a resource, a friend, a listener-whatever you need. So please, if you are lonely, sad, need to talk, advice, whatever-I want to be there for you because I know how lonely and painful it can be.
Hold on beautiful people!

"Normal is just an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly" (Not sure who said this)

-Casey