Today has been a normal day. I was sitting in my room listening to music and doodling when I realized I had a blade near me. And there was no reason why-it was just there. And I did it. It was small, but a cut's a cut. I haven't SI in over 3 months, since I started medication. I find that I'm going back to not caring about what is "good" or "bad" for me: eating, self harm. I'm just feeling rather indifferent about it.
But maybe this is just a blip? Maybe just a weird mood slip? I get scared when I feel these emotions tapping me, even if they may be normal, I'm terrified of going back to that dark place I resided in for so long. And yet at the same time, it's almost comforting in a twisted way-it's something I knew for so long.
I almost wonder if rejoining tumblr and a SI recovery support site has subconsciously triggered me and caused a setback. Regardless I'm not going to make any rash decisions to quite either right now. We'll see how it goes.
On a happier note, one of my best friends will be coming home soon and we're planning a backpacking trip! I'm so excited!
Peace
-C
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