- "...the inability to understand how, even while struggling against depression, a person can be also be highly functioning, and even radiant, joyful, generous and loving. Most depressed people try very hard to be happy. It is exhausting work." (http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/25/mary-richardson-kennedy-the-denial-of-depression/#ixzz1x2JSTpOR) The general image of a depressed person seems to be an image of someone completely cut off from the world, who is unable to interact with others or do anything at all. I am in no way saying this is not true, but this is just one external face of depression. For instance, I fall more into the description in the quote: No one had/has any clue that I've been severely depressed. Around others I came off as very happy and completely fine. Yet inside, and when I was alone, it hurt so much. For those struggling with depression, you probably understand the difficulty in trying to describe just how bad it hurts. It's like a never-ending ache everywhere, everything hurts. You want to rip yourself apart and destroy the black cancer eating away. And the quote is right-it's EXHAUSTING to put up the front for everyone.
- Depression is not the same as sadness. Too often I hear people joke or casually mention being "depressed" and it kind of hurts. I know this isn't their intention, but it really seems to make depression seem less serious, severe, and debilitating than it is. Sadness is a human reaction. Sadness is to cope and allow yourself to feel. Depression is a mental illness that weighs on the mind, body, heart, soul that makes everything in life lackluster at most. Depression makes the simplest things difficult and reduces the good feelings of memories.
- Suicide is not always about actually wanting to die. I myself have never attempted suicide, though I had been plagued with suicidal thoughts for the past 2 years. Personally, in these thoughts, it wasn't that I actually wanted to die. I was in so much mental and emotional agony that I was a point where I would do almost anything to make it stop. I wanted to live. Desperately. But I wanted to feel alive and happy. I wanted to kill the hurt inside me so I could live, but I couldn't figure out how to do that. And sometimes, to end my life seemed like the easiest way to do that.
It took me months to work up the courage to tell someone what was going on. I was feeling really really bad for the last 2 years but not one single person noticed. People would ask me if I was ok some days but that was it. And it's not their fault, I don't blame them. I had put up such a strong front of "I'm ok!" that I was careful not to let down. Though I wanted someone to notice and help me, I also didn't want anyone to know. It was a sort of test I suppose. How long could I go before people actually notice I'm not ok? However, in putting up such a strong front, there really was nothing for people to notice. I got good. Really good at hiding my pain. My insecurities took this as: If no one notices that I'm depressed, then I must not be that bad. This pain must not be as bad as it seems. I'm just being a big baby. Therefore, I was really hesitant to ask for help as my damaged emotional state tricked me into thinking that I wasn't actually depressed. But I did ask for help. And I'm so glad I did! I went to my professor and he believed that I was in pain, never doubted it. Was surprised, but supported, and continues to support me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: never let your depression cause you this doubt. Even if the doubt is there, ask for help. There is no measurement with cut-offs saying: Oh sorry, you're not hurting enough for help. You don't need a quota, an amount of time, a type of pain, or frequency. Pain is pain.
Goodness I'm sorry that was so long! Even though I don't think anyone reads this haha
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies
inside us while we live” (Norman Cousins)
-Casey
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